You can still lead a normal life with abstinence. Here's a list of things you can still do without having sex:
Ride a bike
Write Poetry
Collect Stamps
Bash Gays
Join a Sports Team
Have Sex
Have a girlfriend/boyfriend
Eat a steak (except during Lent)
Enjoy Life
Paint
Masturbate
Play Video Games
Have a cocaine Binge
Play Twister
Anal Sex
Juggle
Fly a Kite
Volunteer
Eat a Fish Sandwich
And this is only a partial list! Yeah, life CAN be pretty "cool" without sex. "Cool" and "safe".
FaCT : Did you know that condoms are NOT 100% effective?
Especially, if your parents poke pinholes in your condoms to teach you a hard lesson about abstinence. You never know if your parents are going through your shit. Or if you're really wasted at a party, who the hell knows how to put one of those things on after eight shots of Absolut, three Bud Lites, and two ounces of blow?
FaCt : Abstinence can help protect against STDs.
While not having sex does decrease your chances of STDs, you still may catch them through other means. Always use sani-lotion on public toliet seats and be sure to avoid people with colds. Herpes often disguises itself as the flu and is a highly communicable disease. Remember, once you are married, all STDs will vanish from your body; this is a medical fact! And you will only get pregnant if your body truly wants a baby.
FaCT : You can say no to peer pressure.
Hey, if your friends don't accept you for not having sex, then they aren't really your friends, are they? If they hurl gay jokes at you, just come back with quips such as "it takes one to know one" and "I know you are, but what am I?". If you really get desperate, say "Your face".
In fact, it can be cool not to have sex! When friends see how happy and successful you are without sweet, sweet sex, they will soon begin to question their own sinful lives. In Iraq, many women who are sexually "curious" are stoned to death. Stoning parties are a great way to meet other kids who are also into abstinence. Plan a stoning party for the neighborhood whore! Activities can include Bingo, Safe-Sex Monopoly, snacks, and taking turns beating in the slut's skull with a piece of limestone, then tieing her mangled body behind a Toyota pickup truck and dragging her around the city streets. Take turns honking the horn!
FaCT : Many people practice abstinence without even trying!
There's TONS of abstinence people out there! Some places encourage abstinence, even if they don't necessarily do it on purpose, which is a great way to meet other teens and adults living the sex-free lifestyle. Check it!
- Warcraft Chatrooms
- Church
- Oceania in 1984
- Renaissance Fairs
- Preschools
- Saudi Arabia
- Cancer Wards
- Astronomy Clubs
- Death Row
- Band Camp
Stay away from these groups, they do not encourage the sex-free lifestyle!
- Popular Kids
- High Schools
- Colleges
- Parties
- The Latin Grammies
- Raves
- Nursing Homes
- Swingers Clubs
- Brothels
- Americans
Plus, there's a ton of teens out there trying to get laid, but they can't! Even seen American Pie? They were all virgins despite their best efforts. And you can be one too!
FaCT : Just because you had sex before doesn't mean you can't still practice abstinence!
A female friend of mine is a great example! She used to have sex a lot, but I when I told her I wanted to bang her, she told me she was practicing abstinence! Funny thing is, five days later she relapsed into being a total whore again. But with my encouragement, she is trying really hard to not be sexually active! In fact, it seems like every 28 days or so she tries not to have sex, but her abstinence streak never last very long. Keep trying! You can do it!
FaCT : Abstinence has about a 13% success rate.
Some people say "Why teach abstinence in the first place? It's a nice idea, but sooner or later most people will cave due to the simple human biological need to have sex. So when they are in a sexually-heated situation, either because they met someone they're in love with, or perhaps just drunk and horny at a party...their suppressed sexual urges, fueled by raging hormones will cause them to have sex, but now, due to lack of proper sexual education, they have no goddamn clue how to use a normal method of birth control and end up totally getting pregnant and ruining their young lives."
And some people say "Abstinence pisses me off. When they tout that line 'What's the safest method of sex? Not having it'... That's like saying 'What's the safest way to travel? Stay at home'. But what if I need to travel to see Nana who lives three states over because she is in critical condition at the hospital?"
Yeah, and fo' all da haters out there, I've got two words for you! YOUR FACE!!!! Diss.
Ever wonder why hookers don't kiss on the mouths or make eye contact? I do. Some people say "What does this have to do with abstinence?"
Anyway, next time, I'll share with you some kewl tips how to save your mother...Mother Earth that is! Do your part to save the world for generations who are just going to fuck it up worse than you possibly could. Here's a few quickies:
- Pee in the Sink! Not flushing saves lives and conserves water!
- Shit before showering; this way, you don't have to wipe and waste the toilet paper, instead, just rinse off in the shower. You're saving a tree!
- Only go on the internet to blog! It wastes electricity.
- Go to Starbucks and refuse the styro cups. Instead, buy a newspaper, then hold the hot beverage in an easy-to-make newspaper cup that you can recycle when you're finished.
- Buy cars with slightly better gas mileage and be smug about it.
- Turn off all heat/electricity off in the house and spend the day having tantric sex. Oops. Well, if YOURES MARRRIED OF KOURSEEE!!