Charlie: Wow, your right mom. Let's open my birthday gift early. It's a candy bar. I know the odds are approximately 1 in a 1,000,000,000 and I have a better chance of being struck by lightning while being attacked by a shark, but whatever.
*opens candy bar*
Charlie: I lost. Damn, I thought I was really going to win.
Grandpa: Here, don't tell your parents. I've been freeloading here for god knows how long, but I've hiding this shiny quarter in my ass crack forever. We could spend it on something practical, or we could try those 1,000,000,000 to 1 odds again like a compulsive gambler in Vegas.
*opens candy bar*
Charlie: I lost. Damn, you'd think I would've learned the first time.
*Charlie finds a dollar*
Charlie: Well, I could spend this on needed food for the family again, or try those 1,000,000,000 to 1 odds again…hmmm…
*buys a candy bar, and wins*
Charlie: Wow, I won. You see, wasting money on candy and ridiculous odds always pays off in the end. Now I can tour a factory that defies the laws of physics and nature, run by an eccentric millionaire who hires ignorant midgets from a 3rd world country to work in his sweatshop who literally pays them with candy.
Wow, shit really turns out great for Charlie. But what about those billion other kids who didn't win? I'm sure some of them faced a similar financial situation too. In addition, when the new Charlie and the Chocolate Factory grosses $100 million plus, solely based on Johnny Depp's name, Hollywood will try and fashion a prequel/sequel/trilogy. As a result, here are some logical suggestions…
It's the story you never heard. About a family, like Charlie's, who is poor and barely making ends meet. Except their black. (I know the Candy giveaway in the movie was worldwide, yet, only white people won. Go figure).
Anyway, the story starts the same. Harley's a good kid from the wrong side of the tracks, and he really wants to win the fuckin' tour too. He gets his candy bar for birthday and loses. His grandpa gives him his last quarter, and spends it on a losing candy bar. Then from there, their family keeps trying wild and crazy schemes to raise money to buy candy bars, only to lose anyway.
Like the hilarious scheme where Harley's dad uses his child support to pay for candy bars, which all turn out to be losers. Or Harley's mom stops buying diapers for the children and instead turns in the welfare check for candy, only to lose, resulting in the kids crapping and pissing all over their floor.
Eventually, Harley joins a gang with promises of fast cars and big money, only to spend all his hustling money on candy bars (which are all losers). It is here that Harley gets his nickname "Dark Chocolate". Then Harley dies in a turf war. The end. Or how about…
Except, in this case, every candy bar is a winner, and your not allowed to bring a parent…what's this disclaimer about fudge packing? Ok, how about…
In this case, five lucky children win a chance in a lifetime even to go into Jorge Santiago's Magical Slaughterhouse. Four out of five children will die in the factory and be served in Jorge's Grade "D" dog food, at least until the musical number when the FDA raids the factory. LOLZ.
Or maybe a crappy chocolate sequel. That will probably happen in 2008.