- Cedric the Entertainer. He's not entertaining. Watching him perform is like watching a plane crash and burn, except a plane crash is funnier. If he's not releasing ethnic remakes of the Honeymooners, he's getting his FOX tv shows pulled quicker than a wiener in a whorehouse. He's just not funny. There's not much more that I can say.
- Owen Wilson. Hey everybody, I'm Owen Wilson. (head nodding, long pause) Yep. (long pause) You're going to be watching me on this (hand motion) huge movie screen for (hand motion) two hours. (long hard pause). I'm basically just going to walk around the movie scenes aimlessly and pretend that I'm stoned. Oh, wait (short pause), you probably aren't actually (exaggerated hand motion) watching me right now, you're just looking at that HUGE FUCKING DENT IN MY GIANT SMALL COUNTRY OF A NOSE. I suck dick literally (makes a sucking motion, followed by a long pause).
I can't even watch movies with Owen Wilson anymore, mostly because I just watch his nose crinkle for two hours straight. Hey President Fuckhead Bush, you know where Osama bin Laden's been hiding? Check Owen Wilson's nose.
- Vince Vaughn. He reminds me of a second rate Jimmy Kimmel. It's like a witness trying to pick out a comedic group of bank robbers. The witness will be able to pick Vince Vaughn out of the line up and remember that he was at the scene of the crime, and associate him with the incident. Vaughn never actually does or says anything remotely funny, but he's always at the scene of something funny, therefore people relate comedy to Vaughn. I also like his unique role of characters that he can play. He can play the role of himself:
Vince Vaughn as Vince Vaughn
or
Vince Vaughn as Vince Vaughn with an obviously fake moustache
or everyone's favorite
Vince Vaughn as Vince Vaughn with a drinking problem
I seriously can't wait for the movie Wedding Crashers to come out, so these two can play off each other's dynamic so well. From what I got from the preview, it looks like Vince Vaughn will be playing the role of Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson will be played the role of Vaughn's pseudo-stoner buddy. The zany pair will sneak into wedding parties to have one-night stands with hot and vulnerable girls. I'm pretty sure things will stay to go haywire when Vaughn and Wilson realize they're trapped inside a 1 minute joke that's been dragged out for 92 minutes. Of course, all my stupid friends will love it, since they'll probably see 15 seconds of a nipple and laugh mindlessly at all the "hilarious" gross out humor that doesn't even push the bar anymore.
- Anyone who is famous because of reality TV for any reason, ever. I know why reality TV makes everyone mad; because it gives confidence boosts to already overly arrogant pricks. Anyone who ever acknowledges a person for being famous for being on reality TV should have their bowels ripped out with a plastic cafeteria spork.
- Jesse McCartney. Praying off the puberty of young girls is Jesse McCartney's claim to fame. If posing shirtless with a leather bracelet on Teen People each week your idea of being deep and sensitive, then you are more brain dead than Terry Schiavo. This guy is a total fudge-packer. Nothing bothers me more than fake tweenie heart-throbs. He should have his legs sawed off with a hacksaw, then be severely beaten, burned, and crucified.
Well, I was going to keep going about celebrity re-fucks, but my newspaper is here. Boy, I love the newspaper. My day wouldn't be complete without the piles of practical bra ads for JC Penny's. My favorite part of the newspaper is the comics. I mean, they are so deep and insightful, and really make me laugh. Check out this one, a classic, Beatle Bailey:
Laugh Out Loud. You thought that was funny, you should've read today's Hagar the Horrible.
Kids just say the darnedest things. As we find out each day in Family Circus, kids can really be a handful.
What's that? You want more? Okay, one more - today's Ziggy really cracked me up. How does he get himself into such hilarious situations? Where does the cartoonist come up with this stuff?
