It's easy to be a Hollywood Screenwriter. Take it from me, I have a WEBPAGE. Everyone knows the easiest thing to write is a horror movie. It is also the most popular genre of low budget independent movie. And you can write your own, get it sold, and be a millionaire! It's easy.
Step 1: Write the Script.
It's really not that hard to write a script, just follow this outline for a rough draft. In any script, you need characters. Please only pick from this list. Don't try about be complicated or invent something different. They made that mistake in 28 Days Later. They made zombies move fast instead of slow. This is unacceptable to American audiences. We need to suckle on the teat of stereotypes.
The Characters:
The Dickhead - Selfish perverted coward, usually the first death. Since no one likes him, the audience looks forward to his death. Usually gruesome.
Creepy Loner - The guy's had a career that has completely socially isolated him from society for the past twenty years, e.g. Park Ranger, Desert Hotel Bartender, Small Town Sheriff. Never believes anyone. Sometimes dies via suicide, but always dies.
Black Guy - Has five lines, one line with outdated Ebonics. Dies.
Comic Relief Dude - The practical jokes and sharp sarcasm are all masks for his fear on the inside. Coward. Dies.
Selfish Couple - A dating pair of jerks. Always take each other's side. Tend to disagree with logic. Still find time for sex, but it never turns out well due to being murdered.
Child - Either creepy with slightly helpful supernatural powers, or cute but completely helpless.
Sexy Independent Woman - Usually foreshadowed with a tough or sassy background (like she's a hard-nosed reporter or a kickboxer). Tends to run a lot with a wet shirt. Tends to stab things and scream. Usually lives.
Sexy Independent Man - See Sexy Independent Woman, just replace the wet with muddy.
Another rookie mistake, again, from 28 Days Later. They made the characters speak British. No one wants to read subtitles for 90 minutes. Make sure all your characters are American, unless they are a villain. Then, make them French. Now that we have the puppets for our play, we need to put them in a location:
The Locations:
Smalltown, USA - Usually in the Midwest, so the sky can always be gray when it needs to be. Population between 100 and 10,000.
Vacation Destination - Camping in the forest, beaches of Brazil, tourist trap Mexico, where ever you might go to enjoy yourself. Too bad your shit's going to be ruined.
On the Way to a Vacation Destination - Lone highways in the desert, at least 100 miles away from a Subway and Texaco. With no cell phone reception.
Those are the only choices for location, let's not complicate things. So let's pick a location and spend the next twenty minutes foreshadowing and building the suspense. Usually by using weapons the way they were intended (e.g., using an axe to chop wood, using a knife to cut lettuce). Make sure to show plenty of photos of the character's family in the background to build a back-story.
But then things start to go to hell. There are signs, clues if you will, that something is just not right. Pick any combination of three:
Blood - Must be in an unusual place and in mass quantities.
Electric Problems - Flickering/Malfunction Lights, Appliances, Flashlights, Vehicles.
Dead Animal - In various stages of rotting. Fly-infested.
Abandoned Property - As small as a house, or as large as a town.
Quick Moving Shadows - That will catch the character's attentions. Out of the corner of their eye. But they shrug it off, can't be anything trying to kill them, right?
Of course, the actors must pretend that these are normal circumstances and must pretend they have no idea that their lives are in fatal danger. Then just pick these action plot points at random until all unnecessary characters are dead or assumed dead.
Real Scare - Something "scary" jumps out, characters run away. Sometimes they get caught.
Fake Scare - Something innocent jumps out, starling the characters, who laugh it off.
Fake/Real Combo - Something innocent jumps out, startling the characters, who laugh it off, only to be scared by something scary only a few seconds later, characters run away.
Torture - MTV generation contribution to horror movies; the worst possible torture of a human, that you can fit into a movie without turning it NC17.
Then of course, as everyone is rushing around like tubby Walmart-hunting moms on Black Friday, we find clues to the villain. And the three villain choices are:
Crazy White Person - Serial killer, usually deeply psychologically damaged due to a parental kid-toucher.
CGI - Completely computer generated CGI beast, shadow monster, alien, pirate, disease, demon, ghost, etc.
Zombies - Self Explanatory.
Now the ending can be up to you. Personally, I like the whole person-waking-up-to-realize-everything-was-all-a-dream ending. But you can pick:
Oprah Fairy Tale Ending (Ends in Closure) - Everything is resolved, villain defeated, heroes safe.
Fake Oprah Fairy Tale Ending - Everything is resolved, villain defeated, heroes safe, OR IS IT???!??!
Real Life Ending - Everyone dies. The End.
Now that you've written a script, combine two "buzz" words; one that means violence, one that means scary Here's a word bank:
Killer, Death, Die, Black, Dark, Blood, Cutie Pie, Fear, Monster, Red, Night, Burn, Saw, Blade, Torture, Scar, Factory, Metal, France, Bullet, Heart, End, Nightmare, Scare, Devil, Pillow-Biter, Bury, Grave, War, Fever, Afraid, Breath, Twisted, 666, Diablo, Fire, Scorn, Bleed, Over, Bled, Bleeding, Bloody, Blacken, Stab, Stabby, Stabs, Stabbington, Nappy-headed Ho's, Knife, Knives, Time, Shuttlecock, Terror, Seacrest, Silence
Spell-check, and you're done!
Step 2: Sell your Script.
This step is a little more complex. First, know an important player that heads a Major Motion Picture Company. Think off all of your family, extended family, and friends. Don't forget cousins! If you do not know or are related to someone in that position, this may be a problem.
If you do know this kind of person, ask them to buy your script for $1,000,000. Tell them it is a formulaic horror movie. Remind him how you are related to him. Show him the copy in a fancy plastic binder. He will be impressed by the binder. He will ask you where you got the binder, but MAKE SURE you don't tell him HOW MUCH the binder was. If he does, he will have much more negotiating power.
Step 3: Cash your Check
If the Hollywood elitist he likes the binder enough, he will sign off on the project and cut you a check for $1,000,000. Make sure you sign the check on the back before you cash it, a common mistake of rookie screen writers. Don't use it as a bookmark either.
Step 4: Repeat
If your movie grosses at least $30 million in the domestic box office, you are in the land of sequels! Just take your original script, change all character names except the villain and change the setting location. Don't forget to write " 2 " after the movie title; and if you feel frisky, think of an extended sequel title, like " Killer's Revenge " or " Return of ".
Let me know how you do and I look forward to seeing your crappy movies Hollywood Blockbusters!!!