Catastrophes (outside of the US): The most unimportant form of news, pfft— if you even want to call it news. There are 6,000,000,000 people outside of America, some of them are bound to die violently. It’s just a numbers game. Why worry about car bombings when you can check your Myspace?
Common Story Topics:
x number of people die in a car/bus/mall/church bombing...outside of America!
Peeps waiving AKs in the air like they just don’t care, and burning American flags and dolls in the desert.
Genocide/AIDS in Africa.
The only hope for these journalism flops to get ANY airtime at all is if an American is killed overseas. OR the entire death toll of foreigners killed hits five figures.
Sports:
Sports aren’t news per say because they are better covered elsewhere. Depending on your satellite, you have anywhere from two to sixteen ESPN channels, not to mention the Fox sports, the Golf Channel, The Speed Network, and DirecTV for Baseball and Football. Hell, even the espanol channels have football. (I was going to spell football like futball, but the spellchecker realized we live in America).
Common Sports Stories Include:
Sport Scores
Sport Stars Getting into Mischief
The only hope for sports stories to get more than their allotted airtime is if it the Super Bowl.
Newsertainment: Now this is what you go to journalism school for! This is what you spend $10k a year on at college! To produce the heavenly fluff that is Newsertainment! Remember the formula; not only will it be on the test, but on life as well.
News – Education + Entertainment – Entertainment = Newsertainment.
Take away the education from the news, and the entertainment from the entertainment and you have this Frankenstein media monstrosity. Just add a dash of fake enthusiasm and a few failed suicide attempts, and you’ve got the number #1 morning show in the market!
Common Newsertainment Stories Include:
The Polar Bear Club
In Studio Fashion Shows
Twiggy the Waterskiing Squirrel
Catastrophes (inside of the US): Replace the light-hearted nature of newsertainment with paranoia and fear mongering. Also remember the common formula of American/Foreigners Death Ratio.
1 American Death = 500 Deaths from an English Speaking Country
=1,000 Deaths from an American Ally
=10,000 Deaths from a 3rd World Country
The best part isn’t the actual story. Like a terrorist attack, or a tragic fire, or a bus accident, or nationwide food poisoning. It’s the spurning of semi-related stories of paranoia. That’s the money.
Celeb Sightings: Candids/rumors of Linsey Lohan/Paris Hilton in their either:
In their PJs at Starbucks OR
Underdressed and accidentally “exposed” at a night club OR
Without makeup, going into rehab.
The only thing more valuable than American lives are the lives of American celebrities. Duh. We the people have the power to give celebrities their god-like status… and we also have the power to turn on the Gods we have created and knock them back down to dirt. We giveth and taketh away. That’s what Frodo sayz in the second Lord of the Rings.
Celeb Deaths/Haircuts: You get the idea. Hundreds of people die everyday in the Middle East, but since they don’t use toilet paper, a dead Anna Nicole or a bald Britney gets more attention. Remember, give the people what they want to see, not what they need to see. It’ll sell more advertising space and you’ll get a small, disproportionate promotion for selling out your soul.
FINAL EXAM:!!!!!!!!!!111
By the way, now's also a good time to tell you that journalism is secretly racist trade.