Originally made by French bastards, the film’s release in Europe was not a documentary. The penguins were given character voices (in French), like in Homeward Bound and the soundtrack for the movie was in techno. Then they brought it to America and tried to fix it, by making it a documentary voiced by Morgan Freeman and changing the soundtrack. But I digress.
Anyway, it’s a documentary, but then they start to talk about mating habits, and you know what that means…before I knew it, BAM-- the screen was filled with probably the most sensual animal sex scene I’ve ever witnessed. It was hot. I’m not going to lie, I was aroused. It wasn’t like normal animal sex, you know, a couple of doggy-style thrusts and that’s it. It was basically the animal kingdom’s equivalent of “The Notebook”.
Then things got even better, because all the curious kids in the movie theater started to ask questions. And parents can’t answer them in a smutty and dark movie theater, let alone in the comfort of their own home. The rest of the movie was pretty much a penguin holocaust. How many ways can a penguin die? You’ll see them all. Whether it’s freezing to death, mishandling eggs, being eating by seagulls, being abandoned, being eaten by a seal, starving to death, or just good old natural causes, you’ll never see so many frozen penguin fetuses in your life. This movie has a higher body count than Die Hard 1 and 2 combined. Children were crying in the aisles. Chaotic mothers trying to calm them down. It was great.
But it’s basically just a nature documentary. I could’ve watched that at home. Grade: C
Amityville Horror is a movie, about some devils, and a haunted house and the stupid family living in it. Watching this movie is the equivalent to visiting a haunted house. Cheap scares, no story, and when you’re done with it, you just talk about how much it sucked.
The worst part is that people think this is a true story. The Amityville murder was real, sure. Of course, he wasn’t really possessed by the devil, just hopped up on drugs. Just a clever defense, the devil made me do it, haven’t heard that one before…Second of all, the Luz family only stayed in the house ten days after purchasing it…or wait, was it twenty-eight? It appears that the family kept changing their stories for publicity. In fact, the house was investigated several times by ghost hunters in between owners, and no evidence of paranormal activity was found.
Since ‘not haunted’ doesn’t sell in the media, the Luz family continued to go on tours, interviews, television shows, misleading and misinforming officials along the way to keep their hoax alive. You can read more about this elaborate hoax here.
So, based on a true story? The phrase is coined so loosely now anyway. Plus the movie was gayer than two guys making out in the Mall of America.
Grade: D+
I’m not sure if any of you people live near Cleveland or not, but there’s another stupid haunted hoax in our area known as Helltown. Stupid adolescences are always going to Helltown. For those of you who know where I’m talking about, it’s somewhere around Brandywine Ski Resort in Boston Township. I think it’s a bridge, a small stretch of rundown houses or something.
Anyway, rumors of this hoax started in the 1970s, when the national parks were made. Coincidentally, Helltown is part of the Cuyahoga Valley National Park. The homes in the area were seized by the federal government (eminent domain) in order to maintain some stupid trees for hippies. The government put up a lot of red “DO NOT ENTER” signs and other warnings, therefore, the same hippies who the forests were made after turned against the government, again, with their paranoid delusions of ghosts/murderers/satanic churches, etc. Read more about how Helltown isn’t real here.
I beat children