And the TV was on CSPAN, for those of you who don't know, it's a bunch of white politicians talking about numbers. See, politics, law, etc, isn't that complex; its made complex so you don't want to pay attention to it; these people can manipulate words in like a secret language of boringness than will only confuse/annoy/scare the average person, so they can screw you without you knowing it, or even wanting to know since its so fucking boring. Politicians are always so ugly too. Hideous, like morbid, twisted creatures that were crossbred with potatoes or monkeys - they always have really, really terrible features, and I start think, how do these people get laid?
Anyone, this old fucker is talking to a roomful of other old fuckers about retirement, social security, etc. He's writing, slowly, on a dry erase board. There's numbers and circles, and dollar signs, and arrows...
Retirement? What a joke! Who needs government aid and social security? I have a full-proof plan for retirement, that I think, nay, that I must insist every true American must follow through with for the sake of the nation!
Ages 18 through 38; open a high interest 20 year IRA account, or something like that. Or a fund or a bond, something like that. Save $50 every week. That's it.
Wait, I know what your thinking; this is just one of those stupid things you hear all the time; you know, if you open a retirement account when you are 20, and contribute x number of dollars every year, by the time your 65 you'll have a million dollars, blah, blah, blah. You couldn't be more wrong.
Age 38: Figure, what's the fuckin point of living past 40. What do you have to look forward to? The thirties have been a gradual decline; you can't stay out as late, you get tired, you age. Really, what do you have to look forward to past 40? A gradual decline of your vital organs, penis, hair, looks, and brain? Financial insecurity? Rotten ass grandkids who don't want to see you cause you smell, but don't think twice about taking their birthday and Christmas checks without so much as a thank you? Sounds awesome.
Age 38, start preparing for death. It's also important to reproduce. Who needs marriage? If somehow you are married, you must reproduce. It is the sole purpose of any animals existence, to pass on their DNA to the next generation. People waste their whole lives trying to become famous celebrities, or cure diseases. Even if somehow you are one of the few successes, how long will it last? Eventually, ever country falls, no matter what. All records of you will be erased, manipulated, change. The point is, eventually, you will be forgotten.
Your number one goal at age 38 is reproduction. Visit every sperm bank in the US. Donate for free. Don't even take the money. Donate to everyone you come in contact with. Friends, family, neighbors, desperate homeless people. Keep cryogenic samples on hand to give on request. Date as many fertile women as possible. Convince them that you had a vasectomy, even produce a fake organism, but you know better. When the time comes, just yell "SURPRISE" and release your sticky DNA inside her. Kind of like when Lucy always pulled away the football from Charlie Brown at the last second. Then just leave like nothing happened.
Just get out of their as quickly as possible and go to the bar and start again. Do anything you can to spread your genes. Or donate it to people who want to have kids but can't (if you want to be less cruel, and have a much higher success rate). The best part is, everyone else has to take care of your mess, because even if they do track you down, you'll probably be dead already.
If your a woman, the only hope for you is to donate as many eggs as possible. Also, get pregnant from the best-looking guy you can find. Insist you are on birth control. Take as many hormones as you can for multiple births. Try to have a liter of kids. The best part is, again, you'll be dead weeks after you give birth to them.
At 39, your number one goal is to blow through as much money as possible. Start with blowing through your savings, check accounts; this is where your IRA account comes in - you can blow the whole account this year. This is another great technique to fertilizing women; if you go out somewhere and flaunt outrageous amounts of money (especially in LA or NY), those gold digger girls (like Kobe's Ex) will be all over you. They'll WANT to get pregnant so they will be able to collect your hefty child support. BUT THE JOKE IS ON THEM! You'll be dead within weeks after their births.
Do whatever you want with all your money. Throw it into a wood chipper. Go on vacations. Buy 1,000 double cheeseburgers at McDonalds and throw them at cars. Eat at the finest restaurants. Buy breast implants. Do whatever your heart desires. Anything. No purchase is too stupid. When you run out of money, who cares? Charge everything! Max out all of your credit cards. Buy brand new cars, put no money down, and never pay a dime for it. Be sure to sell your house as well, and use the money to put down on a mansion with an outrageous mortgage you have no intention of paying for. Set aside money for a funeral, in a secret account, of a trusted friend (or lawyer, if you have no friends).
At 39 years, 364 days, if done correctly, you should have tens upon tens of children or future children, absolute no money or assets to hand down to any greedy children that you may have (or will have). Bill collectors should be call your everyday with final notices. You've lived the last two years like royalty. If you are a religious person (or believe in God) go to a church, confess every last sin to the priest and mean it.
The second you turn 40, commit suicide. Overdose on sleeping pills, a good clean death, makes for a good open casket. Congratulations, you are retired. No more worries about getting old, looking older, feeling older, no slow decline towards death. Only sweet death, after you've probably lived more in the last two years than you would have in the next 40 had you stayed around until 80.
The funeral should be as tacky and childish as possible, just as one last standing insult for all those baby mamas that solely come to look like they cared about you (it'll look good the next day when they try to take your money...oh wait, your in debt over $200,000! Oh well, better luck next time!) Anyway, use your imagination. I personally would put sparklers on the casket, have a marching band, an elephant, have the medieval fair jousters and jesters perform, and definitely a finale of fireworks that would put Disney World to shame. Then be cremated and launched into space, so no vengeful fucker will piss on my grave.
Not only is this good for you, on a personal level, its good for the country! Figure that the government won't have to pay for your social security, nor any other benefits you might be due to receive. The insurance companies won't have to pay for your complex medical problems, since you never made it to be a senior citizen, thus saving insurance companies money. If only 1% of Americans did this (about 2.5 million people), the country would save $300,000,000,000 in expenses. Do you know how many oil wars we could start with that?!
The more you read this, the better it gets right? I really can't see a reason to live past 40, can you?
Then again, if we really wanted to eliminate the national debt and fight more wars faster, we could just fire every Congressmen (that's saving about $107,000,000 per year in their salaries alone), plus everyone associated with Congressmen on their payroll, like security guards, secretaries, mistresses, corrupt lobbyists paid with taxpayers money, etc. That's about another $200,000,000 right there, annually. We can send another space shuttle into space! Take more high-definition pictures of rocks!
So don't follow my retirement plan for yourself. Do it for your country. God bless America, lol!