Saw 1: A kind of cool horror movie that has an unexpected ending which made everyone in the audience go "dammmmn!" and bite their fists.
Saw 2: A lamer version of the original that you knew was coming that you desperately tried to like, but then you find out the killer is a old cancer-stricken cripple who drinks out of sippy cups. The best part in that movie is when the crippled old man gets beat to shit by the detective; the worst part in the movie is when we find out a girl is going to be the next killer.
That's so gay. Girls can't kill things. They can't even drive. I get it, women are supposed to be equals, I get it, equal jobs, employment, schooling, respect, but there's just some things women shouldn't be allow to do:
1. Drive
2. Sportscasting
3. Serial Killing
By the way, Female Sportscasters, stop ruining football; again, I get it, women are equals, progressive thinking, girl power, blah blah etc; but (Heterosexual) Guys don't give you women advice about how to power shop, so I expect the same courtesy when it comes to a female sportcaster giving me advice about the Broncos running game.
So this whole pretend "bad ass feminist girl trying to defy the stereotype by being a female serial killer" isn't going to work. Is this 110 pound petite with an eating disorder trying to look intimidating with her dyed black hair? How does she plan on killing anyone, let alone kidnapping them?
Ooh, I know, she'll probably seduce them with her over-the-top sexiness and just turn on them like a black widow. Fuck that. I'd send that bitch to the floor with one cheap shot to the eye.
Saw 3: I dunno, maybe kidnap someone AGAIN and torture them hostel-style until a somewhat rewarding surprise twist in the end? Judging by every preview, I think I can safely predict the crusty old killer will reform against his evil ways and become a dentist.
Wait, was that the preview I'm think of...or maybe that was another Paul Wall album...?
Saw 4: A cancer stricken old man forces a helpless victim to watch Malcolm in the Middle Reruns. Fuck that show. I hate Malcolm in the Middle and all the neurotic characters on it. The dad definitely didn't keep his shit in line, he needed to do less man-child crying and more wife beating on that control freak mother.
Saw 5: A cancer stricken old man kept alive by life support evades the dumbfounded police with the help of his trusty bitch, who kidnap some children and feed them to alligators.
Saw 6: A cancer stricken brain-dead old man kept alive via a Terri Shivo feeding tube eludes the detectives from the shitty Miami Vice remake, who kidnap the pope and feed him his own feces.
Saw 7: A cancer stricken brain-dead paraplegic old man kept from an Aztec voodoo curse goes back in time with some chick he met on MySpace in order to rescue Jack Sparrow; the trio then kidnaps, gang rapes, and brutally murders and dismembers Kyra Knightly.
Saw 8: A dead old man feeds Viagra to snakes and wears the serpents on his hands like mittens. Since cancer is a communicable disease, the chick from the 2nd movie gets a malignant tumor on both her ovaries and kidnaps a microwave.
Saw 9: By this time in the world, homosexuality will be as common as heterosexuality in our society. As a result, my bastard children will go through an awkward phase in high school in which their classmates and peers will date both males and females to decide their sexual preference. As a result, my children will develop several grapefruit-sized welts from my fists and belt. Of course, I won't be able to understand my kids cries for help anyway, since they speak Spanish because we live in America.
Saw 10: A rehash of Saw 2 with parts of 1 and 6.
Saw 11: A skeleton goes back in time to 1999 so he can party with Prince and kidnap him and force him to wear funny hats in public...or else...
Saw 12: A cancer stricken old man "accidentally" comes over to a 13 year old boy's house with Mike's Hard Lemonade and vanilla-flavored condoms, who claims he just wanted to "talk" to his buddy he met on the internet. Chris Hanson reads back to Jigsaw his embarrassing chat logs.
Saw 13: Jigsaw v. Jason v. Freddy v. Danny Bonaduce.
Saw 14: (Or Saw XIV) The plot thickens as Jigsaw kidnaps himself and tortures his testicles with a C-Clamp and can of burning chemicals.
Saw 15: Nah, I think they are going to quit while they're ahead with Saw 14, you know, go out on top.