Illogical? Not really. Let me start from the beginning.
The Super Bowl is supposed to be the greatest football game of the year. Regular season was fun to watch, the playoffs heighten the anticipation, but the Super Bowl is supposed to be the ultimate clash between the two most elite teams in the NFL. Sometimes, it’s a let down, a blow out disappointment. That sucks.
But, another reason why people watch the Super Bowl is for the ads. If the game is a blow out, you can count on the ads to be hilarious, right? Right?
WHY THE HELL DOES ANYONE CARE? DO PEOPLE ACTUALLY LOOK FORWARD TO WATCHING FUCKING COMMERCIALS? WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU!?
Who fucking cares about the goddamn commercials! They are going to be on thousands of other times after the Super Bowl. They aren’t funny. They aren’t enlightening. They’re just over-hyped, over-priced billboards. They just want to sell you Coke and F-150s and beer.
THE SUPERBOWL 2006 Commercial Preview!
• A “manly” pickup drives through the mud. Buy it.
• Microsoft tells everyone they appreciate their business. Enlightening violins play in the background.
• A kid and his son are playing catch in the front yard. Somehow, this has something to do with mortgages at the Bank of America.
• The typical “two average white guys” beer commercial. Usually, one of the two finds a clever way to hide beer or get beer without getting up.
• IBM tells everyone they appreciate their business. Enlightening violins play in the background.
• Horses play football. Somehow, this has to do with beer.
• Toyota tries to make a safe yet hip commercial for white people who haven’t quite sold out yet. Usually involves a GT or SX version of something, taking corners fast, oozing in safe attitude, but in the end, it’s still the same stupid fuel-efficient sensible family car.
• Anheuser Bush tells everyone how they appreciate their business, as horses run across an open snowy plain in slow motion. Enlightening violins play in the background.
• Time for the “zany” and “wacky” commercial with animals. Usually with monkeys dressed in clothes. Usually has nothing to do with anything. You can’t remember the next day what they were trying to sell you in the first place.
• The Coca-Cola Commercial where various ethnic groups celebrate a soft drink.
• The movie trailer for the latest $200 million dollar blockbuster. Usually Science-Fiction, for some reason.
• Ten-thousand previews for FOX’s new line up of mediocre comedies and rip off dramas.
• A company you never heard of obviously spending its entire year’s advertising budget in 30 seconds; they think this is actually going to be an effective way to promote their product. The next day, they are bankrupt.
• McDonald’s commercial with a safe rap song and four excited white twentysomethings hitting up the drive thru.
• The Fed Ex commercial that makes fun of the rest of the Super Bowl ads, but really it’s only an anti-marketing angle that is really no different from a regular commercial.
This is why I hate middle-aged white people. It’s white people who are standing around the water cooler Monday morning, telling all their stupid co-workers about Super Bowl commercials. Middle-aged white people think that those stupid Super Bowl commercials are actually clever. They really don’t even like them that much, but the commercials are safely humorous and family friendly.
That’s all middle-aged white people do. After they get so old, they are just tired all the time. They can’t handle things anymore. They can’t handle anything new. Computers, music, entertainment – careful, their brains might explode. Once they get so old, they like everything to be safe. They like safe cars with seatbelts, crumple zones, and airbags. They like safe choices in food (like vanilla ice cream). They look forward to going to bed at eleven o’clock.
Oh, and God forbid Janet Jackson pops another titty out. White people can’t handle it on during prime time. The outrage. Careful, I’m about to show you what we actually saw on that terrible day in television:
Dear God. This has corrupted our youth. Why does it even matter? Why it is a social taboo for girl nipples but not guys? I mean, you can expose the entire breast, so long as that nipple stays covered. It doesn’t make sense. Guys can show all the nipplage they want. What’s the difference? You can see nipples on man boobies, that’s not a social taboo. I don’t get it.
If you’re so insecure in your life that you need an excuse to watch fucking commercials just end it already. You officially have nothing to live for.