Car accidents, speeding, drag racing, hit and runs, blowing through red lights - all may come to an end soon in some parts of Cleveland. The city council is putting up hundreds of red light cameras through the city's neighborhoods to catch speeders and red light runners. The concept of the cameras is to catch people who violated pissy driving laws, and send them a ticket in the mail. Or just another way to take money away from you.
There's two schools of "logical" thought on the issue. The first is the conservative view, thought of mostly people who can't handle the complexities of driving in the first place, the people I repetitively cut off all the time when I drive; they think its an awesome idea to put up a bunch of cameras to catch the idiots like me that drive like lunatics. People who think red light cameras are a good idea wear jeans above their belly buttons and reek like stale chocolate.
Then there's the liberal view, thought of mostly people who think placing a couple of cameras in dangerous intersections is a sign of the apocalypse, 1984, some government conspiracy, etc. These people usually have a snarling and crooked tooth line, and sport a dirty white 1980s rock band t-shirt. And they smell like crystal meth.
If you look even deeper at the issue, you realize that both opposing view points are completely wrong. But you ask, how can both opposing views be wrong? That's like saying you think abortion shouldn't be legal or illegal.
The reason why no one is right about red light cameras at all is because… OUR ENTIRE SYSTEM OF TRAFFIC LAWS IS RETARDED!
The only reason we even have traffic laws is because of you. You can't handle the difficult task of driving. You can't handle driving fast. You find it difficult to distinguish the difference between the brake and the gas pedal. Sometimes, you slow down when the light is green, just in case in might turn yellow. You can't handle eating and driving - wow, then someone invented cell phones, another strike against the human race. Let's not even talk about your inability to merge or change lanes without checking your mirrors seven times and pissing yourself.
Since people can't handle driving, we HAD to make rules about it, which apply to the lowest common denominator. The rules in life, in general, are made for the dumbest citizen in the United States. Legislators figure - if the dumbest person in the world can handle this rule, we'll be okay. That's why the speed limit is only 25 on my street.
So this is why we have to redo the COMPLETE SYSTEM OF DRIVING, before I finish installing my black market rocket launcher to the hood of my car.
Rule #1: No speed limit.
Simple enough rule, right? All speed limits everywhere will be eliminated. At first, it seems silly. You say, people will drive too fast. Exactly my point. People WILL drive too fast. And since people can't even handle going faster than 20 miles per hour in a school zone, most people who try to drive as fast as humanly possible will quickly crash and burn in car accidents. Therefore people who can't handle driving fast will quickly be eliminated from our society. Who really wants them anyway?
It gets better. Since all the assholes who drive dangerously are on the road on a path to certain death, people who can't handle driving the speed limit alone will be afraid to even go on the roads. They will hear on the news about all the car accidents and deaths and fires and chaos, and they will be too afraid to even leave the house, let alone drive somewhere. So all the slow pussies that can't handle driving above the speed limit now won't be driving either.
So far, I've eliminated about 50% of the people on the road so far. How about that? I'm also saving the ozone layer from emissions (who cares though). What about freeing up are already congested interstates, a much greater benefit.
Rule #2: Giant traffic lights.
Black people have had it rough when it comes to inventing. And that's not because they don't invent things, it's because white people steal their ideas and take all the credit. Fifteen second public service announcements on Nickelodeon black history month leave me with the following knowledge about the only inventions patented by black men (that weren't stolen by white people) - peanut butter, the gas mask, and the goddamn traffic light.
Hey, if we're all speeding around at 80 miles per hour through a nursing home parking lot, we sure as hell aren't going to see, let alone stop for a tiny little 60 watt light bulb humming to itself on a piece of thin wire.
So, over every intersection worthy of a light, we're going to have one giant mega-light versus four small ones. Each one will rest high above in the middle of the intersection, upon the back of the highly supportive giant steel structure; the fire-breathing spider from Wild Wild West. The light itself is big enough to see more than a mile away in clear conditions. The number in the clock is the amount of time you have left until the light changes color, so you have fifteen seconds in this example:
Of course, these lights would run on coal because coal kicks ass since it pollutes the air at an alarming rate. I hope all the pollution would rip a giant whole in the atmosphere so we get firestorms in some parts of the Earth. That would be great weather to play a Tool CD to.
Anyway, this will be easy enough to see from far away, and even better, you know how much or how little time you have to clear the intersection. By the way, if you run the red light, by more than 1.5 seconds, give or take, the spider will ignite your car into oblivion.
Too bad this system won't work for the colorblind - another 0.09% of the driving population eliminated.
Rule #3: No car insurance
Car insurance, otherwise known as legalized extortion in Ohio, will be useless under the new system of law, especially during the "transitional" stage of the new driving world. Car insurance from a theory is a great idea - but the reason you have to pay for insurance is, again, people who can't handle driving and hit me.
Did you know that insurance companies often give out the latest and greatest in radar technology to the police for free? What a kind and generous act - oh wait, they only do it so the police can catch speeders and have to pay higher insurance.
There really should be governmental system instead of private insurance. But then again the government can't do anything right either…
So, according to the new law I set, whoever causes the accident has to pay out of pocket the damage to the other person's car. This only applies to the cars, not the actual person. This way, assholes will think twice before getting into an accident. Furthermore, no one will abuse the system when it comes to those lame accident injuries - whiplash, oh my back, my neck - shut up. Anyone who even says these words after a car accident will be arrested and denied his right to an attorney. Unless of course, they're bleeding out their head, that might be acceptable.
Rule #4: Increased License Regulations
The driving license exam will last two hours instead of two minutes, first of all. And if you fail the driving test, you get go on the Game Show "Pick your Punishment". The loser - the contestant who can't pass a simple two hour driving test - will get to choose his punishment, behind three locked doors…guess what? You didn't pass. What fate will YOU pick? (put mouse over choice)
The driving age will be raised to 18 - I don't like being forced to race 16 year old brats with their shitty Cavaliers and Civics with a coffee can glued on the back of their exhaust - since it was the only mod they could afford on McDonald's salary and it sounds "sweet". Eliminating 2.5% of the remaining driving population
Anyone over the age of 65 will not be allowed to drive unless they can pass their driving test again. They must pass every year after that to keep their license another year. Seniors can't even complain, since they officially have nothing better to do anyway. And they all suck at driving. Eliminating 10% of the remaining driving population
Don't feel too bad old people, since female drivers will completely be eliminated altogether. Eliminating 25% of the remaining driving population.
So far, 12.41% of today's total driving population will still be able to function on the road.
Finally #5: If you see a black Honda…
Get the fuck out its way. I'm in a hurry. I've got places to be. You obviously don't. If no other law passes, make this law pass. Just pull over, get into the slow lane, kill yourself, anything, just don't be a victim of my frustrated tailgating.
Wait, never mind, I finished installing my rocket launcher modification. Pray for mercy.