My ex-girlfriend can vouch for me on this one.
Okay, but I must admit. I am a bit of a romantic. And I’m going to share with all of you some of the best Valentine’s Day gifts that pretty much guarantee open legs.
Cleaning Products: Swiffers are pretty popular this year. But don’t spoil her with something that will actually make her life easier like a Roomba; after all, it’s only Valentine’s Day, which is a Pagan holiday to begin with. Why should her sins be rewarded?
Make Something: This is better than any store bought gift. The easiest things to make, and again, this is pretty much guaranteed ass… macaroni necklaces. Girls like jewelry. Here’s step by step instructions how to make one.
My ex-girlfriend can vouch for me on this one.
Step 1: With a parent’s permission, gather some macaroni (dry and uncooked), some string, a pair of scissors, and airplane glue.
Step 2: Sell the glue to your junkie friends and use the money to rent Gears of War from Blockbuster.
Step 3: Break up with your girlfriend on Valentine’s Day. Then she can be a part of the Anti-Valentine’s Day Movement.
The only thing gayer than Valentine’s Day is people who are “Anti-Valentine’s Day” activists. There is a now popular movement of people who piss and moan how dumb of a holiday Valentine’s Day is. Of course the only reason they bitch is because they have no one to share Valentine’s Day with. And the reason they don’t have anyone to celebrate Valentine’s Day with is because they’re so bitchy and nag about everything and no one wants to be with them.
Lingerie: The gift that you both can enjoy. Forget lingerie. It’s like wrapping paper for the body; it’s torn off, discarded, and you’re pretty much done with it. Well, that was worth $50. I could’ve bought a back-up copy of Gears of War.
Plastic Surgery: Big nose? Flat chest? Fat? What better gift to give your lover! A big hearty helping of self esteem! Plus it’s a bonus for your eyes as well, and maybe you can actually brag about your controlling swamp monster girlfriend.
She’ll still be bitchy on the inside, but isn’t the male gender much more forgiving to hot chicks? Perfect example; guys, imagine this: You’re driving along the road when, SUDDENLY, you’re cut off by an asshole. The bitch almost hits you! You blare your horn in blind rage and at the next red light pull up along side the perpetrator to give them a piece of your mind. If it’s a fat girl eating a cheeseburger, you’re going to rip into her. If it’s a drop dead gorgeous girl, are you going to yell at her the same way you’d yell at the Cheeseburger Queen? NO. In fact, you might even use it as an opportunity to talk with the girl, heck, even flirt with her. You’re near auto collision is instantly forgotten and all if forgiven with the hot girl. You coward. She’s not going to sleep with you, might as well tell her to get THE FUCK OUT OF THE ROAD!!
Whoops, guess she wasn't pretty on the inside either...
And hopefully, after the life-risking surgery and purposely broken bones, she’ll have enough of self worth to leave you for being shallow in the first place.
Tattoos: Well, if you don’t have the money for the above surgery, just get a tattoo. A generic one that insinuates love. You can write the name in with a sharpie marker each morning. It’s easier than shredding it off with a cheese grater once she dumps you for not applying yourself in life.
Cash: Nothing’s wrong with cash. It’s less of a charade and she’ll buy something she actually wants with it. But the more likely scenario, she’ll probably throw it back in your face and dump you. But at least you can use the money to get a wireless headset for your Xbox 360, so you can play Gears of War online and yell at ten year olds across the country for camping like pussies. And now you’ll have more than enough free time play all you want.
Okay, if you’re seriously stuck for a gift, why not check out your girlfriend’s MySpace? I mean, stalkers and kid-touchers do it for evil. All her interests are right there on a piece of cyberspace. But whatever, you’re a man, right? If it’s not 11:59pm on February 13th, then there’s really nothing to worry about yet.