ET was perhaps the biggest debacle of the video game industry to date. Let us go back, way back, back to when Atari was king and the Atari 2600 p’wned the video game industry. ET was destined (in Atari’s mind) for greatness, capitalizing on a blockbuster children’s movie weeks before Christmas. And so bold was this claim, Atari produced more copies of the ET video game than there were Atari 2600s in existence. Yes, this game was hyped up to be such a cash cow that people were going to need backup copies. Can you guess what happened next? It failed miserably. The game was raped by critics and dismissed by the public. The game play was so inept, pointless, and frustrating, that NO ONE wanted to play it.
To try and cover up the marketing failure, millions of copies of ET were secretly buried in a New Mexico landfill. Of course, it’s not a secret if the media found out (which they did)
Virtual Boy
No, this isn’t a futuristic fantasy of a Catholic priest. Very few remember this product of Nintendo, the unwanted child that was the Virtual Boy. I remember as a young lad, playing with this abortulicious system in Target. You just stuck your face into a set of goggles on a tripod. From the name of the system, you think Virtual Reality, 3D graphics, luminance colors, surround sound, and other sensoratory features. Instead, the graphics rendered a slightly 3D laser-red EKG chart. Or perhaps imagine your favorite N64 game (was it Goldeneye too?)…okay, now imagine that game in Frame mode. Then remove all the color from the game except red, and reduce the framerate to a choppy camera phone. VIRTUAL BOY! Let’s not even mention the fact that that crimson red is being burned into your eyeball’s rods and cones and your corneas are resting on a TV screen. How did you get released in America?
Of course, now all of the video game industry is required to rigorously test their products before they will be allowed to be released in the US. Drug companies use the same method; rats, monkeys, Asians, Americans.
Rumble Pack
Rumble Pack isn’t necessarily a bad idea. I mean, the first one was revolutionary when it came packaged with Star Fox. It was like the world’s first super computer; big, bulky, ugly, and ineffective, but it’s heart was in the right place. You could sit on a wild washing machine while playing Star Fox for the same effect, but since then the technology has been cloned and improved by other companies. But in today’s world, controllers no longer vibrate anymore. Why? People were suing over negative health side effects of prolonged vibrations. First the dildo industry, and now this. I also love the logic behind the lawsuit; my hands are continuously shaking, should I discontinue use of the vibrating control or should I keep playing?
People who sue over things like that are ruining the country, like the father who accused Tigger of assaulting his 14 year old son. That’s the most uncool dad in the world. Have you seen the video? Don’t. It’s too graphic. I’ll do my best to describe it, but please note THIS NEXT PARAGRAPH IS TV14 AND CONTAINS VIOLENCE AND ADULT SITUATIONS!!
Disney World, daytime. A happy family is posing for what they think is a special family picture to remember their memorable trip to the Happiest Place on Earth. Suddenly, there is a wild movement, as Tigger, a known and devout racist, slightly loses his balance, and in an effort to try and steady himself, inadvertently swings his arm out, brushing against the hair and cheek of a fourteen year old boy. The End.
I wonder how much money a multi-billion dollar Fortune 500 company will pay out just to dismiss this bad press. Can you imagine if your parents did that to you when you were fourteen? Sue a cartoon character on your behalf because he tapped you softly on the side of your face with a fuzzy mitten? At the crux of high school humiliation? And you thought it was embarrassing when your parents took you clothes shopping at the mall. The trauma that poor boy will go through from peer ridicule while be far more emotionally scarring than any sexual assault or drunken dad. That kid is going to be made fun of everyday until he commits suicide at seventeen. Or I guess he could do the opposite and hunt down the student body of cruel (but in this case, justified) students.
Super Columbine RPG
Think of Harvest Moon with more deep-seeded psychological problems and guns. And parents try to say video games are too violent. In fact, violent video games and music with questionable lyrics are 100% responsible for this. With the exception of two World Wars, the Civil War, Vietnam, Gulf Storm 1 and 2, the Revolutionary War, the War of 1812, the Alamo, Indian Genocide, Public Executions, Witch Hunts, Genocide in Rwanda, train robbing, the rape of Nan kin, Attila the Hun, Alexander the Great, The Genocide of the Mayans, Aztecs, and Incas, human sacrifices, Chinese Book Burnings, Napoleon, public hangings and beheadings, back-alley abortions, Slavery, Mafia controlled Prohibition, the Birmingham race riots, the successful assassination of four US presidents, and the first seven Crusades, violence was seemingly nonexistent. In fact, the first murder in recorded in US history was in 1979, which was the direct result of a heated argument over Pong. Had Super Columbine RPG never been made, then the tragic events of the real life school shooting would’ve never happened. Hence, you really shouldn't download this game.
My vote this year goes to all those hard working politicians who make millions of dollars to make these decisions for me. Hillary Clinton, you go girl. Sure, many ignorant people would rather have a failure of a man leading the country than ANY woman, but I hope your brittle skeleton-like face of seriousness will be on the ballot for ’08. I think she would be the best-est president because she can read lines of the teleprompter much better than Bush can and her hair smells nicer.
Actually, if Hillary Clinton becomes our next president, then the terrorists have won. Not because democrats are soft on homeland security, but because we dislike our current president so much, we actually voted for a woman.