It's 31 degrees outside and snowing. It's a really pathetic snow, the kind that doesn't even stick to the roads, yet, people will still get into accidents. Two days ago, I would tell people, friends, coworkers, etc., that hey, it's going to snow this week. What was their reaction? Anger. Like somehow I am personally responsible for the weather.

Another classic response is "don't remind me." Okay, next time I won't remind you, and you can just be ignorant. Next time, you won't know when it's going to snow, and then you'll be even more angry because you'll claim that no one even warned you. Either way, there is no happy response. Anger, panic, or depression are the only reactions to snow in Cleveland. But why?

Look, three months, one forth of the year is called winter. It is cold. People have been living in Cleveland for years, decades, yet they still think that snow won't touch us, then they all are in denial when the weatherman says, hey it's going snow. People's snow reactions are so overblown and earth-shattering. It's like you told them the world was ending or they had a terminal illness.

You could tell them anything else and it wouldn't phase them. Hey, 80,000 people died in an Earthquake in Pakistan. Who cares? It's going to snow! This mild inconvenience is destroying my world, and no one saw it coming! Look, you pick where you live. Deal with it. People in Florida have hurricanes, people in California have earthquakes, and people in Ohio get snow. Don't want snow? Move! Go somewhere warmer.

Don't get me wrong, I hate snow as much as the next person, but I am mature enough to deal with it. Instead of squawking and crying, I accept it. I choose to live in Ohio and as a result, I choose to live in an area in which snowfall is frequent in the winter.

Snow is a sure sign that winter is coming, which mean Christmas, which means you're probably going to be spending a lot of money on gifts for people you could care less about. So, why not save yourself a buck or two and STEAL GIFTS THIS CHRISTMAS!

NOTICE TO ALL CONCERNED: Listen up close, I cannot advocate anything I've said here. Stealing and shoplifting are violations of the law, you might get caught, you might get arrested. I'm just writing this for informational purposes only. I cannot be held responsible for, nor assume any liability for, damages resulting from the use of any information on this site.

First of all, Christmas is the best time to shoplift, statistically. Retailers are overwhelmed with the amount of traffic coming in and out, they don't have to watch everyone. Here's some advice.

Tip #1: Steal from American Eagle. Why is American Eagle the best place to shoplift from? Because they don't press charges! That's right. If you are caught shoplifting at American Eagle, worst case scenario, a security guard will yell at you and you'll have to give the stolen items back.

But, will they even do anything to stop you? Apparently not. Even if an employee suspects a thief, they are not allowed to stop them. They can only do something if they actually see a suspected theft and they attempt to leave the store. Did I mention they won't press charges? Apparently it's store policy.

I didn't believe this rumor when I heard it either! But after asking several ex-employees, this is true! Why? I have no idea. I find it perplexing. Why would you not press charges on some punk kid boosting graphic tees? It defies logic.

Tip #2: Know Your Security Sensors. I've worked for Hollister Co. for two days. It was the worst job I ever had. Sounds easy though, just fold clothes all day right? Right. But I'm a guy. I can't fold clothes. I can't even do the laundry. I would fold a giant stack of overpriced t-shirts, then the manager would come over and tell me it didn't look right and I had to do it again. Frustrated, I would refold the shirts even worse than before, then the manager would come and tell me it looked awesome.

Anyway, the point of the story is that many clothing places have two types of security sensors- the real ones are big and rectangular. The fake ones are called dummies, which are just small circles. Note the pictures:

So, going through the security checkpoint with a dummy tag will not set off the alarm. Easy enough. The long rectangle ones will go off, but if your at a store like Hollister, the alarms go off every thirty seconds or for no reason, and none of the employees seem to care. Or, you could just buy a security tag remover on Ebay.

Ink tags are another type. They should not set off security alarms. They whole concept behind these things is that if you try to break the ink tag open, ink will spill everywhere, thus ruining the garment.

But cracking these open is apparently easy enough with a lighter. On the reverse side of the tag (the side without the warning), put a lighter to the back until a hole is singed through. You should be able to see three or four tiny ball bearing on the inside of the tag. Remove these with a pin, and the tag is removed, just like that.

Tip #3: Beating the magnetic strips. Electronics are another easily stolen product. The first way, supposedly, is proper holding of an item through the security terminal. The key spot is around the kidney, pressed against your body, turning your torso approximately 45 degrees to the left or right.

But the easier way is the make the fabled "magic bag" (also known as Booster Bags). Here's how. Take an ordinary shopping bag and line the inside with layers upon layers of aluminum foil. If you want to go the extra mile, put another identical shopping bag in the original that is now lined with foil, and fill this bag with real items and a receipt. It works like this: the aluminum foil does something to mess with the security readers, so even if you walk through the gates, the alarm will not read the tags. Always make sure you close the bag when you leave. If you want to make sure your bag is working, drop in your cell phone and call it. If you receive the call, you need to add more foil or find a leak. If your phone doesn't receive a call (no reception), then it works.

Once again, I cannot advocate this information. None of this is fool-proof either. You never know when a cop or camera will be watching you. This is all second hand info, and I have too much of a conscious to steal anything that isn't food. Then again, it might be because I wouldn't want to ruin my flawless criminal records. Then again, it might be because I'm a pussy.

By the way, NEVER steal from a department store like Target or Walmart. They have 'loss prevention' personal working round the clock, and get paid a lot of money to watch you like a hawk on hundreds of cameras and catch you.

Happy Holidays!

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