While I'm not the biggest fan of Halloween, it gives women an excuse to dress like whores. But it also gives an excuse for fat chicks to dress like whores too. And all you really need for a female Halloween costume is to put the word Sexy in front of a career or occupation.
Nurse = Sexy Nurse
Teacher = Sexy Teacher
Cop = Sexy Cop
You get the idea. Sometimes I get the feeling like Halloween is one big career day, with all sorts of people in different occupational costumes in one place. Firefighters, police officers, scientists, etc. Oh yeah, and there's also the Sexy + Animal ones too; Sexy Bunny, Sexy Fox, Sexy Cat. Guys have a much smaller selection of costumes; usually comes down to something you threw together in five minutes out of things you found around the house, or a pirate.
And there's some costumes so lame, I don't understand if people really actually buy them, or they are just there to fill shelf space. I mean, who is really going to be a Squire for Halloween? What kind of person with no self esteem decides that he wants to be a Squire? You could be a king or a knight or a wizard, but no, I think the guy that cleans up horse shit in the stables all day, I think I'm going to go as that...
I'm actually waiting for our culture to turn Halloween into a weekend long event each year, just because we need to include the Spanish version of everything in our country, why should Halloween be any different? The Mexican holiday, the Day of the Dead is on November 2nd, so it's only a matter of time behind the two are combined and all the minority English speaking Treat-or-Treaters must go door to door beating sticks together and praying (or whatever the hell they do on that holiday, maybe light some candles too).
Quickly getting of the subject, why do we still have candles in our society. It's the 21st century. In the 1900s, we invented light bulbs and electricity. Who the hell keeps buying candles like its such a brilliant idea? Oh, but what if the power goes out? It's called a flashlight stupid. Candles are for faggots. We could be using that wax to make plastic explosives overseas.
Carving a pumpkin is also as asinine as hiding Easter eggs. Why don't we just roll pumpkins into traffic instead? It's not like a pumpkin is even an edible vegetable unless its turned into a pie. You're just going to let it rot in the Indian Summer and throw it out anyway. Save yourself the mess.
Teenagers are also getting lame with vandalism. Shaving cream, toilet paper, eggs, sigh...it's so trite. It's been done to death. Do something new this year please. Something original for a change. And for the record, any house that doesn't have someone stationed to give out candy deserves what it gets.
But, the Christmas season officially started; there's already giant inflatable snow globes at Wal-Mart. That means committing felonious assault against fellow human beings in order to get Extreme Tickle Me Elmos and Playstation 3s that are going to be collecting dust by March. Actually, if you can't get a hold of some of these items, here's a list of good alternatives;
1. E-Meter -- Don't you want to know how many souls are leaching onto your child's body? Either way, it's still better than Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots.
2. Lunesta -- Tell them it's candy, and enjoy the next 12 hours of deafening silence.
3. Mein Kampf -- especially for the Jewish kids that celebrate hakuna matata. Fucking Jews... The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. Are you a Jew?
4. Coal -- Spend the money on yourself and blame Santa's poor judgment.
5. Lost : Season 1 DVD -- Just so your children can show you how to use the DVD player.
6. TiVo -- Just so your children can show you how to use TiVo.
7. SuDoku -- Any present will look good after opening a box full of SuDoku puzzles.